notevendarkyet | mind_the_muse July topics: Tranquility (Reply)

Always practicing, Cleric. Maybe that's why you're the best.

The line calls up a ghost of a smile on Karrin's face. Oh how well she knows that's not why he's always practicing!

As the scene proceeds with a decently played out, dynamic fight, her thoughts (scattered already by the Valium and the gin she's slowly flushing them down with against the stupid nightmares) turn to her own routine which featured even more exercise than usually. Everything seem to be too stressful now. Every single thing, and she is not prepared to face it all, not all of the time. She doesn't allow herself to make many mistakes (though she does make them, and was sick and tired of that, and everybody was telling her that it was fine and she was still recovering. But dammit it was her department and she couldn't afford it. It wasn't fine), but she is just slow. Sluggish.

She can't leave what she'd been done to and shown by Kravos behind. She'd snapped and snarled at Harry about it, but that didn't change the facts. She tries to leave it behind but it won't go. And it's eating up every aspect of her life. Her work, the ties she has with her family... her sleep and her time awake. Because there wasn't anything she could have done to stop it, and that scares her.She's not used to living with fear, not like this. She doesn't want to be.

And then the news about Greg came, and she shattered to pieces. Twice. Twice Dresden had to look away because she broke down right there. She never does that. But she did. And it... it is always so very close to happening again, every single moment of every day.

Except when she's practicing. Whether it's shooting or Aikido practice; whether on her own or with the rest of the crowd at the gym, or with the children downtown, there is a calm that floods her mind at the moments when she's doing it right. When she gets a shot that goes right; when she performs the sequences with the perfect balance; when she gets one of those pairs of eyes to brighten in understanding or success.

They are snatches of tranquility that she's lost for months now.

They don't really change anything. But she can go on practicing for hours, even more than usually, just for the sake of a few of them.

The handsome face on the screen seems to get that.

Not that she seemed to be able to finish the movie tonight either. She's slipped into substance-induced dreamless sleep - almost stupor - on the couch again. She'll probably fast-forward the movie to where she could recall it again tomorrow night. It wasn't like it would run away or anything.

Muse: Karrin Murphy
Fandom: The Dresden Files
Word count: 457